I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
