I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
