if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
