doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
