But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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