"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
