I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
