I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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