Soap is not a condiment
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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