apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
