Can i not drive my cunt home
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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