so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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