Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I need to stop coming to work sober
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
