did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
