Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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