My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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