I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
