If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
