there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
