I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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