I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
