You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
