At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
