My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
