Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
