Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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