my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
