I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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