dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
