I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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