i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
