Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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