3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
