I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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