i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
