My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
