in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
