So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
