Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
