Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
