Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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