i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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