fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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