can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
