if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Boobs speak an international language.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
