I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
