omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
