i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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