I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
