His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
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